Trying to Make Eve's Choice
Puberty isn't easy for anyone. But for me, a queer Mormon, it was especially excruciating. It didn't hit me all at once, but I eventually came to believe that not only would I never find love, I didn't deserve it. At least in this life.
Of course, I had loved and been loved by my family, friends, and community, but there is something so singular and special about companionate love. When I left the church at 18, I thought I was leaving behind my religious guilt, but in reality, it morphed into something far more destructive. As I engaged in hookup culture, I was convinced that love was too rare and too heterosexual to be worth pursuing. ‘Besides,’ my undercover Mormon brain whispered, ‘it wouldn't be love anyway.’
Everything changed on April 21st, 2021. Through a ridiculously improbable series of events, I met Finn*, my partner, the apple of my eye. We have been together for over a year now, and I don't think I could be more in love. Things are complicated and difficult, and we are both learning a lot from each other, but in many ways, Finn has saved my life.
There is only one problem: I am a BYU student. The love I have found in my life goes directly against the Honor Code and if I am reported, I will most likely face suspension or even expulsion. There are many at BYU in a similar situation to mine, but for whatever reason, I feel particularly conflicted compared to my peers. While I no longer feel guilty for being in a loving relationship, I am tortured by my incongruity. I feel terrible when I lie to protect myself. I feel like a coward.
Nevertheless, I have received consistent confirmation from the Spirit that my relationship with Finn is not only tolerated by my Heavenly Parents but celebrated. In the past year, my heart has softened, I have become more patient, meek, and charitable, and I have felt the whisperings of the Spirit almost daily.
Strangely, I have felt a similar confirmation when it comes to being at BYU. Many people in both the Mormon orthodoxy and the ex-Mormon queer community have encouraged people like me to simply leave. Leave the Church, leave BYU, leave your family and community. As I grapple with the delicate interplay between my faith and my queerness, everyone around me demands I make a binary choice. What am I supposed to do? What do we do when the Spirit guides us into paradox?
Thankfully, I am not the first person who has had to face such a terrifying uncertainty. In my struggle to find a deeper sense of truth I look to Eve. Mother Eve. In the garden, she was given two contradictory commands. First, multiply and replenish the earth.Second, don't eat the fruit from the tree of life. Unlike the rest of Christianity, Mormons believe that Eve made the right choice.
As I struggled with crippling guilt, anxiety, and depression in my late teens, my older sister shared a thought with me that became a beam of light shattering through an overwhelming and oppressive darkness. She told me that there are two motivations for our actions: love and fear. If fear drives us to a decision, it is not a good one.
As I imagine Eve puzzling over the paradox before her, I think she must have realized this distinction. Staying in the garden, unchanged and unexposed, was the safe choice. The prospect of leaving Eden must have been terrifying and exhilarating all at once. In the end, Eve decided to open her eyes to the world and to love. Thus, Eve's choice to partake of the fruit was the first human act of true love.
Love is vulnerable and volatile. It is dangerous and crippling. Every day I strive to be like Eve, doing my best to resist fear and lean into love. As a result, my life has become an object of fragile beauty. I cannot pretend to understand what truth God sees in the paradox I am living. I cannot give an answer to the false binary that many place before me.
Hopefully, as I move forward, I can avoid Eve's actual first sin: shame. In hiding from God, Adam and Eve committed an intolerable act of dishonesty. While I am certainly lying to BYU, I find comfort in the fact that I am not lying to my Heavenly Parents. I am not ashamed. I can only hope that one day I can bring my love into the light and share my faith with the world. For now, I am doing my best to be patient.
*Name changed for privacy