Studio Notes on Your Provo Rom-Com Screenplay
Thanks for turning in the latest draft of your screenplay! The editing team is in love with this quintessential (yet exciting) Provo romance. The story will be ready to move towards production with just a few edits:
IN GENERAL: We wonder if the leads, Mackensie and Josh, are moving quickly enough towards marriage. Given recent quarantine-induced marriage trends, perhaps you should move up your timeline by a couple of months.
PAGE 5: You describe Mackensie and Josh's first introduction as a "Tinder-fueled NCMO", but we worry this would be a bit too raunchy for our audience. Please change to "Mutual-prompted makeout" or "Godly-inspired kiss."
PAGE 9: Please change "Tinder" to "Mutual."
PAGE 17: Please change "Tinder" to "Mutual."
PAGE 19: We are not sure about the shared "morning scripture study" routine, it seems a little cliche. What about a "working out and General Conference-listening" tradition? (Maybe they share Airpods?)
PAGE 20: The story should explore why Josh said he would "never date a feminist" in more depth.How did that make Mackensie feel? Did they even discuss it beyond the roller-skating date? We didn't see any further mention of it in the screenplay, but maybe misogyny is just a lovable character flaw and/or makes him quirky.
PAGE 43: We love the "opposites attract" angle and the stereotype subversions that she's a business major and he's studying psychology. It's so unique. However, could they take Foundations of the Restoration together so we know they are still a Godly couple?
PAGE 81: The scene in which Mackensie decides she wants to go on a mission–can we try another angle here? We don't want Josh to seem too manipulative (of course, a little exertion of his priesthood authority is okay)–please change to something like "she applies to go on a study abroad to Italy, but he convinces her to spend the summer with his family in Centerville instead."
PAGE 102: The 15-page description of their engagement–from the conversation about future kids at Olive Garden to the 10 p.m. proposal at the Provo Temple grounds–is truly moving. Some people thought that might be too long, but his declaration of love is such a happy ending to the five-month. Note: Can we omit him dropping her back off at her Heritage Halls apartment?
Overall, great work on the entirety of the screenplay. Assuming the rewrite goes well, we plan to fast-track this film (just like their marriage) in our next production slate.