A Love Letter to Liberal-Baiting Losers

Every girl in platform Docs needs her Samba-wearing male counterpart with hair just barely within Honor Code length.

He lives on the HBLL 5th floor—not just roaming but ruling. He spots you from across a sea of tables—you with your smudged eyeliner and ears ornamented with double piercings and an extra hoop in the cartilage. Each extra hole in her ear is an extra step further you’re willing to take physically—or so he believes.

“Lemme get your Instagram,” he says with a smirk. How could you say no to that thrifted hoodie and the carabiner clipped on his belt loop?

You look and see he’s following BYU Dems. Okay, check. Maybe even the Prodigal Press. Check. With his flowy disposition and even flowier hair, you think, Check. Check. Check.

He’s a self-proclaimed liberal. “Yeah, I just like to keep an open mind. The mindset in Provo can be so black and white, haha.” You agree. Check. Check. Check. 

“Wait, oh my god, you’re a global women’s studies minor?” He asks. “That’s so hot. I just … really believe that women deserve equal rights, ya know?” he says. 

Is he actually a supporter of universal childcare and reproductive freedom, or does he just want to get laid? You’ll probably never know, but his weekly International Cinema attendance has to count for something, right?

He served in Colombia, but you found no trace of that online. No one has ever scrapped their mission Facebook page faster than one of these guys.

“Babe, I didn’t mean it when I called her a bitch—you know I just like dark humor.”

Your firmly-set boundaries have been pushed more times than he listened to boygenius, his top artist for his Spotify wrapped this year (it was doctored, of course), but hey, everyone just gets caught up in the moment sometimes!

He’s looking for a celestial wife, but in the meantime, he thinks you guys can have a little fun. Isn’t that what feminism is all about, anyway? 

Misogyny apparently doesn’t exist when it’s adorned with a mustache and beanie.