We Got Trouble Right here in Provo City

With horny college students partying like there’s no pandemic, you may wonder why the Provo City Government hasn’t been actively enforcing Utah’s mask mandate and social distancing guidelines. Well, that’s because Provo is facing a problem bigger than COVID-19: deer.

The problem is worse than any of us could’ve imagined. Provo City’s website says that “Some residents [have] reported that deer run down their neighborhood streets or stand in the streets and refuse to move for cars or remain in residents’ yards unafraid of dogs or people.”

According to Provo’s website, the City wanted to come up with a more “humane means of reducing the deer population” than people randomly hitting deer with their cars. So, in their hour of need, where did the City turn? Professional archers. 

Provo City pays Humphries Archery $75 for each deer killed. Which, my fellow bowhunters may realize is a pretty steep rate for one deer. But have no fear, Provo City generously appropriated $35,000 in 2017 for the sole purpose of “Urban Deer Management.”

But what happens to all of these deer carcasses?

“The deer harvested in Provo are donated to individuals or families who use the meat,” says Provo’s website. 

Is there a list somewhere within City Hall of Provo residents who have requested an entire dead deer for their personal use, in the event that one is killed by Provo’s archers? Probably. 

So, if you see a hunter traipsing down Center St. with a bow and arrow, don’t be alarmed, they are protecting you from the real threat in this town: Bambi’s mom.