Maybe I’m The Problem

She sits down next to me

I smile and say hello

“I can’t believe it snowed in April”

“I forgot to do the reading”

We talk and then she laughs

A pause and then the question I feared

“So where did you serve?”

I stumble through my practiced answer

I see her smile falter

It’s brief, she thinks I didn’t see

“That’s okay!”

The words are forced, empty

I hear my words echo, a standard of

  truth painting me flawed

An emblem of the enemy she was raised

  to fear

Maybe I’m the problem

I walk beside him as we leave the Kimball

  tower

Complaining about the test we failed

That we couldn’t study for

Somehow the conversation shifts

To politics and the liberals

He thinks that I’m a compatriot

A conspirator in whom he can confide

He rants about the problems in the

  world these days

“God gives you a blessing at birth”

“They’re repulsive, they’re obscene”

I hide behind the paper mache mask

I crafted as a child

I hope somehow he doesn’t notice

That underneath is the dangerous they

  he fears

Maybe I’m the problem

You invite me over for dinner, me and

  you like always

We watch a movie just like every week

Today it's about a shape-shifting monster

I saw a clip on Instagram

I couldn’t not watch it

After a minute I realize

The monster, the enemy of this kingdom

Is a reflection I never wanted to see

For an hour and a half the tears build

It’s me

I’m the problem

I lose control, making a scene

  in front of everyone

But everyone is only you, just you

  and me

I confess my sins to you, my failure,

  my biggest shame

I sob, waiting for you to tell me about

  Jesus's love

To hear the candy-coated hate I’ve

  grown so used to

I wait for the words that never come

Instead, I feel your arms

“I love you”

Maybe

Just maybe

I don’t have to be the problem